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  • dannyjezebel

You've got a friend in me

Friends. Everybody needs ‘em. Not everybody’s got ‘em. I guess with this messy job that I chose, I do need some solid friendships to keep me going, since I can’t rely on my family (not that I ever could) to be an emotional support. So I have to choose my friendships wisely, and especially who I tell. As you read in past blog posts, telling my best friend from high school didn’t go so well.

But first and foremost, who are my friends? I don’t speak to many friends from high school, and pretty much ditched my college friends, so my friends are mostly from the last 6 years of my life. They come from improv class, old jobs and through friends of friends. A random motley crew. I have a very good friend Laura who is really near and dear to me. I would consider her to be more of a sister. We’re close, but don’t talk everyday. She’s from my first improv class from back in the day.

I told Laura about camming first. She was incredibly supportive, so much so, that I was pretty much in shock. I even started blabbing to her about the negatives of the job. Did she think it was bad that I was exposing myself to all these anonymous men? Did she think it was bad that I lied to my parents? She responded by asking me if I was happy. When I said yes, she assured me that I was doing the right thing.

I have friends from other walks of life. There’s Eleanor from a language class I took (she’s a tormented artist), Meital from my first job in New York (a tough Israeli with the tiniest most precious little baby in the world), and the couple June and Rafael. Rafael was my old roommate and I lived with him as he fell in love with his now girlfriend June. They’re the cutest patootest little couple ever. Health obsessed (they did a one month juice cleanse once where I thought they both might collapse), but cool nonetheless.

There’s another important friend in my life, and that’s my friend Matt. Matt works at the smoothie place across the street from me, and he’s a friend from the neighborhood. Matt is my friend that I visit before shows sometimes, and whenever I need some guy advice. Or just to hang. It’s the best having a neighborhood friend. Recently, we’ve gotten a lot closer.

It started when Laura invited me to the beach a few months ago with her boyfriend and a bunch of other couples. Great. I’d be the third wheel. But I wanted to go to the beach. It was a Saturday afternoon so I thought I’d hit up Matt to join. He was down for everything, so I thought, why the hell not? I messaged him saying: “Want to come to the beach? NOW. It’s all couples and I need a plus-one but a friend plus-one. But anyway it will be fun. And if people are annoying we can make fun of them” Lol. I just went for it!

Matt was in. He’s really the most “go with the flow” guy ever. We drove about 30 mins to the beach, and Matt and I had witty banter in the back of the car the whole time. It was a blast with him even getting there. At the beach we smoked, we drank, we all enjoyed one another’s company (well really me, Laura and Matt did). We did spastic handstands, falling into the sand in hysterics. I looked at Matt and wondered if we could date. He seemed too nice, maybe.

On the way home, quite late, we pulled up close to Matt’s place. He lives like a 10 minute walk away from me. Before he got out, Matt asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with him after we showered and freshened up. I agreed, not thinking much about it. After he got out, Laura and her boyfriend, Damien, asked me if I was excited about my date with Matt. It’s not a date, I assured them. Laura turned to look at me in the back. Was I blind? Shit. Apparently, he was into me. He looked at me lovingly the whole day, they said. Fuck fuck fuck.

So I met with Matt, looking out for any signs that he was into me. So far, so good. We ate at a cafe nearby, still a little drunk, feeling the first signs of hangovers. We jokingly played games with pens on napkins. Nothing to worry about so far, but then we left. A car came too close to me so he grabbed my hand. And held on. For just a little bit too long.

When we arrived at my front door, I had to say something. “I think of you as a friend”, I told him. He stared at me. With just that look, I knew that it was necessary that I said it. He mumbled okay, or something similar. We hugged and he left. I felt like shit. I really love Matt.

The next day, I messaged him asking if he was working. He said yes but not at the smoothie place (he has another job where he writes for TV). Curses. I was bored and wanted to hang. I thought maybe Matt was mad at me, because of what I said, but he texted me a few days ago to hang, and we’re back to normal. I guess he’s down to be friends still. Phew. Can’t tell you how many guy friends I’ve lost because shit got weird when one person liked the other.

So those are my friends. These days I get lunch sometimes with Laura during the day because she works part time, and I bop around the neighborhood checking if Matt’s working, and he comes by after shows and we watch standup. I told him a while ago about camming, and to be honest he didn’t say much. Lol I even showed him my cam profile and we watched cam models together haha. He’s such a chill guy.

I guess with my friendships, they are fulfilling, but in some ways not. I’m nervous about being alone on the weekends, but I do my cam shows so that kind of softens the blow. I mean, then I have an excuse about being alone. I guess the fact that I’m single at almost 30 freaks me out. But I’m lucky that most of my friends are supportive of my life. If only I could make some sex worker friends, but I haven’t hacked that one yet. I’ll let you know if I do.

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