Okay so not much new on the Matt situation. I actually was super tired with my period the last few days so nothing happened, I was mostly in bed. He offered to bring me something to eat or drink which was nice :)
I did have a show today and it was so fucking lucrative. And I was on for only 5 hours. Sometimes my shows can last for even 6.5 hours :( Those are killer. But this one the money was just rolling in for hours. It was really because of my big tipper…
So I have a big tipper. I won’t say his username here but he’s come on and given me over $1,000 before. I know, insane. He’s a magical man who I know nothing about, but he loves me and talks to me and makes me feel good. That’s the thing, although these users are just usernames on a screen for me, they can make me feel really loved.
But I’ve thought about it, is it a silly way to feel? That I actually have feelings for these guys? We’ve never met, and for most I don’t know their real names or what they even look like, but they do give me gifts and make me feel nice. I guess on their end it makes more sense that they’ll have emotional connections with me, but I do with them.
I tell them stuff I don’t tell anyone. Like sexual things. That’s the thing, I bring a lot of inspiration and there’s a lot of overlap from Danny’s life into Jezebel’s life. I feel like Jezebel is the hyper sexual, flirty, on-fire version of Danny lol. She’s a pixie version of Danny. That’s the disconnect I feel. Sometimes I come online and I’m tired, or don’t feel well, or got in a fight with my sister, but I have to keep it all inside. They don’t want to hear about my problems.
I do, however, break that rule sometimes, and I tell them Danny problems (obviously as Jezebel) and they help me with stuff. I always watch the number of users in the room and see if this makes them want to leave lol or stay, to see if they enjoy my life musings. I actually told them about Matt today. A lot of them were helpful, saying to try it. Some of them were like “bring him on and fuck him!” Lol. Not so helpful those comments.
I do wonder about what would happen with Matt if we dated. He really seems supportive about camming so I’m not worried about that, but he would definitely want to be in a serious relationship. I mean it’s what I’ve wanted since I broke up with my college boyfriend basically. I want to be with someone who really adores me and cares for me. I feel like he could be that person.
It scares me to be in a committed relationship though in a weird way. Commitment issues are so cliche but I think I have some! It’s just that at one point that relationship will go in the direction of talking about marriage, and I just don’t know how down I am for that. I feel like Matt is definitely more of a traditional kind of guy. It’s 2021, though. Who needs marriage!?
So yeah I guess I’m all over the place with how I feel about Matt. And relationships in general. I just want to be happy with the person I’m with. I want to feel accepted, since so many fuckers don’t approve of my work. I guess the users online accept Jezebel, and I want that. But for Danny. I wonder if Matt can always accept me. Even when we’re 2 years together! Or 3! Or 4. Or maybe we’ll last a month, who knows. I’ll keep you updated.
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